As we approach the end of another fast-moving year, many leaders I speak with are feeling a mix of exhaustion, gratitude, hope, and heaviness, often all at once.

This week, like so many of you, I’ve held a deep tension: the joy of finishing the school year and preparing for Christmas, contrasted with the heartbreak and shock of the tragic events in Bondi.

This is emotional bothness: the discomfort of holding two opposing emotions at the same time — grief and gratitude, fear and hope, overwhelm and excitement.

Earlier this month, at Rising Circle Ranch in Santa Fe, New Mexico, I completed Susan David’s Emotional Agility Certification, an experience that strengthened my understanding of how these mixed emotions shape our behaviour, leadership presence, and relationships — often unconsciously.

In Santa Fe’s ever-changing landscape (we even got snow!), surrounded by a global community dedicated to making the world kinder and more human-centred, one message rang true:

Emotions are data, not directives. And mixed emotions are often the richest data we have.

What Exactly Is Emotional Bothness?

Emotional bothness refers to experiencing two or more contradictory emotions at the same time (e.g., excitement and anxiety, pride and frustration).

Psychologists refer to this as emotional ambivalence, and studies show it is both normal and common — especially in times of transition, complexity, or uncertainty (Larsen et al., 2001).

According to Susan David’s research, emotional agility is “the ability to be with your thoughts, emotions and stories in a way that is compassionate, curious and courageous — and then take values-aligned action.” (David, 2016).

This means that bothness is not a flaw In our emotional system.

It is an indicator that something meaningful is happenning.

Why it matters for leaders

• When leaders suppress competing emotions, stress biomarkers rise and decision quality drops (Gross, 2015).
• Research shows mixed emotions can enhance creativity, problem-solving, and adaptability (Fong, 2006).
• Mixed-emotion states increase cognitive complexity, helping leaders hold nuance rather than default to binary thinking (Rothman & Melwani, 2017).

In other words, the emotions we are tempted to “push down” are often the very ones trying to guide us.

Without Awareness, Bothness Drives Behaviour Anyway

• Left unacknowledged, opposing emotions can influence leaders in subtle, and sometimes unhelpful ways:
• Irritability or defensiveness when part of us is grieving while another part is pushing for productivity.
• Over-functioning to outrun discomfort.
• Under-functioning when the emotional load quietly drains cognitive bandwidth.
• Disconnection from teams who sense something’s off but can’t name it.

But when we do bring awareness to our internal bothness, we unlock emotional intelligence in real time: greater clarity, compassion, and presence.

Three Steps for Leaders to Create Space for Their Own Bothness

1. Pause and Name the Two (or More) Emotions

The brain can regulate an emotion simply by naming it — a process known as affect labelling (Lieberman et al., 2007).

Try:

• “I’m feeling both relieved and overwhelmed.”
• “I’m excited about next year and anxious about the unknown.”
• “I’m grateful for the holidays and heartbroken about what’s happening in the world.”

Naming creates a psychological “middle space” where choice becomes possible.

2. Get Curious. Not Judgmental

Ask yourself:

• What is each emotion trying to tell me?
• What value or need is underneath it?
• Where might I be reacting on autopilot?

This curiosity is the cornerstone of emotional agility.

As Susan David reminds us,

Courage is not the absence of fear; it is about noticing fear and walking with it.

Mixed emotions often signal mixed values — and values are a compass for wise leadership.

As We Close the Year…

This season, many of us are living in the paradox of celebration and sorrow, momentum and fatigue.

What I learned in Santa Fe is this:

Bothness is not something to fix. It is something to feel. And in feeling it, we lead with more truth, humanity, and clarity.

Here’s to a season of compassion — for ourselves and each other — and to leaders who are courageous enough to hold complexity with grace.